Saturday, July 26, 2003 A COLD BATH A vulgar, but hilarious story struck my eye while I paged through a 1996 copy of Sky magazine; called the SEX ISSUE, dedicated to the joys, and travails of sex. Reading the magazine, It made me wonder if the British constitute the major league of madcap fornication? Flipping through the pages, teeming with facts, stories and insights to the sex mores of British commoners and stars like i.e Liam Callagher: “I love sex, I just get out there and get on with it. I’ll have sex whenever.” Don’t take Liam by his word though; as he adds: “But music’s my ultimate high – it’s special. I’ve always sung me cock off.” Jenny; a masseuse working in a London sex parlor professes a female perplexity: “I’ve learned a lot about men, I’m always amazed how men will just take their clothes off, however disgusting their bodies are.” As is British custom, this special issue of Sky magazine is peppered with deadpan irony, such as the account of a porn star’s professional ethic: “She licks her lips. She’s really enjoying it and she’s… she’s actually going to join in. Her huge swirling tongue is definitely not in her cheek…”. The evaluation by the magazine’s staff, of 20 lurid sex toys is captivating; as witnessed by the verdict on a Banana Vibe Multi-Speed Vibrator, a bright yellow contraption disguised as a corn cob: “Q: How to explain it through customs? Munch on it as you walk through, and no-one will suspect a thing. Q: Verdict:? It’s quiet enough to use when your flatmates are in. Also scores high marks on the disguise/camouflage front, as it can be hidden away in a fruit bowl.” A frenetic libido leaps off these pages, shared by males and females alike. One concludes that British women; whom I have observed as tourists, in business liaisons, and in countless tv broadcasts; consolidate the core of trans-European sexual vigor. British men meanwhile; are foraging in packs, staking out in pubs and in stadiums. They appear to have been ousted from their homes by the zest of their insatiable girlfriends and wives. As a countermove British males have annexed the continental podium for their own particular manifestation: a militarized version of hooliganism. I have to give them credit though: Mad dogs and English (wo)men are one hell of a climactic lot. Indeed. -- From the Sky magazine contribution “When You Have Sex In The Bath” by Zoe Ainsworth “It all starts with me and my ducks in a fluffy bubble bath, bobbing about and generally having a fun time, when Tommy decides to come and play too. In he jumps, relegating my ducks to the floor without even a little puddle to play in, inviting himself into the bath for a bonk. Minutes later we are happily bonking away and water is bubbling its way onto the floor so the ducks are having a nice time too, and everything gets quite energetic and vigorous and it’s really getting to be good and I forget about my ducks and then we try to change position and we’re stuck. Together. Down there. Not a problem: we’ll just cool it for a second, then resume activities, put the ducks back in and relocate to the top of the freezer or something. This is fun. Sorry, my mistake. We really are stuck. Stuck as in a vacuum-packed sex stuck. As in “ouch.” It takes a while for us to grasp the severity of the situation, at which point we embark on a lengthy but strangely unfriendly conversation along the lines of: “ohmygodwhatthefuckshitbollockswhatthe…” “ Don’t move!” “Oh yeah, right, let’s stay like this then shall we, we’re bloody stuck!’ “Don’t you think I hadn’t fucking noticed!” “Bollocks!” “Aaargh..” “Iyaminpaaaiiin!” “Ohmygodfuckshit.” This is really not comfortable. I have just vacuumed up my boyfriend’s knob. I didn’t want to keep it, honestly. Unfortunately the slanging match has absolutely no effect on the vacuum situation and so we panic some more, spectacularly failing to get out of the bath and flailing about wildly with lots of water flying up my nose in a jet-propelled kind of way until the realization dawns. We are going to have to go public. “bollocksbollocksbollocksbollocksbollocks.” I’ll spare you the rest of the ensuing, even more embarrassing details, but the pair somehow manages to call a 999 emergency number, eventually resulting to be carried off on a stretcher to a hospital by four “Shining knights in yellow ambulance jackets”. The scene described by Ainsworth as the ambulance workers evict the love struck couple from their disastrous bathroom is a little gem: “None of the semi-muffled laughter of the telephone operator here – they simply piss themselves when they see us, and as they finally carry us out on a stretcher, they can’t resist telling us all of their silliest hospital sex stories. Add to this half the street coming out to look out for any available dead bodies and you’ll understand that the remaining 10 months of our year-long tenancy were not fun.” -- Excerpts from WHEN YOU HAVE SEX IN THE BATH – by Zoe Ainsworth – Sky magazine December 1996 -- posted by Walter at 7/26/2003 Thursday, July 24, 2003 “Every exit is an entry somewhere” – Tom Stoppard – -- CATASTROPHIC A story about felines. In my early twenties I was a motorcycle enthusiast. I started out, riding small displacement bikes, gradually expanding to serious speed pursuits until my biking career was cut short prematurely by a freak accident at a motorcycle speedcourse which demolished my bike. Prior to that occasion, earlier in my biking career; the following incident occurred to me. I was riding a four stroke, 2 cylinder motorbike on a perfect midsummer afternoon. The view was clear, the road uncluttered. I approached a viaduct on the road between H. and my native town, where the overpass offers a beautiful view on the grounds of the Polytechnic University, a sprawling wooded area situated just outside my hometown. My bike’s speed was about 120 km/h. I wasn’t wearing protective leathers since the atmosphere was warm and humid, and I had taken my bike out for just a short spin. To the right of the road approaching the viaduct the slope was clear, except for a few low slung bushes. To my left the road was secured by a crash barrier, with an empty area in between both roads. As I rode towards the overpass, suddenly a cat emerged from one the bushes to my right. The cat continued to cross the road with barely 20 mtrs to spare between him and me. I watched him proceed, and knew a collision was unavoidable. I held on tight to my handlebars, pulled my head down, and kept the throttle open. The bike bumped straight into the animal. A severe twitch ensued, which almost brought the bike down. Immediately after the incident I parked my bike by the side of the road, saw that no damage was done to the vehicle, and walked to the spot where I hit the unfortunate beast. I found no trace of him. Not a trace of a collision either, not a speck of blood, nor tyre marks. Given the impact of the collision the creature should have been dead or seriously injured. I looked across the road, scanning the empty midsection, finding no indication of the animal hiding; since the cat was black, he would have stood out clearly amidst the brightly lit scenery. I went back to my bike, restarted it and went home. No further thought was spent on the incident, until a few years later during a nightly drive in an army truck when I was enlisted in the military service. An army driver had offered me a hike in his truck while I was leaving the barracks after a watch shift, en route to the busstop. The driver, a conscript like myself was a cheerful and easy going guy. As I climbed into the truck’s noisy cabin we were soon involved in an engaged conversation concerning the army and mutual hobbies. One of them, so it appeared, was motorcycling. The truck had covered about half the distance to my hometown. The atmosphere was damp and chilly. The sky was black, bordering a deep ultramarine. We encountered almost no traffic due to the late Sunday night hour. I recounted my story with the bike and cat to the driver. And just as I was nearing its apotheosis: Hark!. Right in front of us, positioned in the middle of the road, flared by the truck's headlights stood the transfixed profile of the black cat! An enduring imprint to me still; as we thundered straight over him. -- posted by Walter at 7/24/2003 Tuesday, July 22, 2003 N a m e C a s i n o -- My mind is urging me To probe for namesakes A doomed practice in a bouillabaisse Of meaningless equations To find a name: Pivotal and rich as Colonial Cinema Balanced as Wedding Gear Or Fatally flawed like a war hero Punched by convulsions The child born in a leafy paradise Finds to his cradle a flock of displaced snowbirds: A stellar Disney A bewildering Whitman An offbeat Beirendonck My name – a microscopic one – Insecure, but safe, became recalcitrant And engineered a social bypass: Perla Robusto Perla Robusto Patterns drive the rage. © 2003 Walt -- WHAT’s IN MY NAME(s) When I was a toddler I had difficulty pronouncing my own name. A timid child: I stifled my voice, and toned down my physical appearance. My first success on family record at uttering my own name publicly, was “Fauf”, followed by “Taufer’; a landmark event in family history. Since then my name has been frequently readapted. “Fauf” however is still in use by my next of kin, all of whom are aptly nicknamed. To obtain an interpretation of my name(s); I browsed through the kabalarians’ vast archive (685.511 names to date), and compiled the profiles of my name variants, past and present. -- From the introduction on www.kabalarians.com The Kabalarian Philosophy™ is dedicated to the service of humanity through dissemination of the wisdom of life, a scientific, practical knowledge based upon definite divine laws clearly understandable and applicable, teaching the individual's relationship to the two basic laws of life -- mathematics and language -- and teaching how everyone can greatly benefit through this wisdom. -- Walt - My “Nom de Plume” - Your name of Walt gives you the ability to be creative along practical lines of endeavour. Your ideas can be very original and inventive. You enjoy being with people in a social environment. Your personal appearance is important to you, for you desire to make a good impression on others. Your pleasant manner attracts people to you with their problems and you are capable of offering practical advice, though you would probably not follow such advice yourself. This name causes you to be somewhat too concerned with the personalities, problems, and activities of other people. You seem positive and decisive and can be outspoken in the expression of your opinions, but you lack the self-confidence needed to follow through with your ideas and plans. Procrastination is your downfall. You frequently choose the path of least resistance to avoid your responsibilities. It is not easy for you to overcome obstacles or face issues. This name does you an injustice in that it restricts your success in business and personal pursuits through a lack of ambition. There is a weakness in the fluid functions and in the region of the head resulting in sinus problems, headaches, eye, ear, or throat conditions and related ailments. Hair loss could also be a problem. Walter – My christian name - Your name of Walter creates a quick, clever mind capable of grasping and assimilating new ideas. You are rather studious, mentally challenging each new idea before accepting it. Because you learn so quickly you have little patience with those whose mental processes are somewhat slower, and you could become supercilious or somewhat "know it all" in your attitude. This characteristic could make you rather unpopular with your associates. Although you are very knowledgeable and intelligent, you often find spontaneous verbal expression difficult. You crave friendship, understanding, love, and affection about your reserved manner appears forbidding to others. You can give expression to your personal thoughts and feelings most fluently through the written word. You have a sensitive nature--sensitive to your environment and particularly sensitive to how your deeper and more serious interests are regarded by others. Your feelings are very easily hurt and to protect yourself you withdraw within the realms of your own private thoughts and shut out the rest of the world. Moods, which are your worst enemy, result. Your sensitivity and lack of verbal expression frustrate and limit the satisfaction in life to be gained from your responsible and capable nature. Health problems arise due to worry and a sensitivity in the respiratory area which could lead to problems with the heart, lungs, or bronchial organs. Walterus – My Roman Catholic name - The name of Walterus creates a very passive, easy-going, friendly nature. You love people and desire to get along with everyone you meet. Your desire for sociability and the pleasant things in life makes you too easily influenced through your associations. You have imagination and many ideas but you lack the drive or initiative to put these into effect. It is difficult for you to say "no" and mean it or to carry through with any commitments you have made.This name makes you too lackadaisical. The influence of this name is to lack practicality, system and order, organizing ability, astuteness, and the ability to make decisions and act upon them. Due to procrastination you have many unfulfilled desires. You often lean upon the strength of those around you for guidance. You appreciate the finer things in life such as good clothes, pleasant surroundings, and friendly companions. You find it difficult to tolerate circumstances that are not up to your particular standards. The physical weakness created by this name affects the fluid functions of the body. Wally – My nickname when I was enlisted in the army - Your first name of Wally creates individuality, independence, self-confidence, initiative, and an inclination to physical activity. You are not inclined to merge your opinions and viewpoints with others, to accept compromise, or to work in a subservient position against your will. Your expression is invariably quite direct and candid, and lacks the moderating tone of tact, diplomacy, and friendliness. Others find it difficult to accept your domineering and, at times, argumentative manner. Your circle of friends is restricted to those of like nature. Once friendship is established, you are very loyal and steadfast and do not tolerate gossip or criticism. In your close associations and family life, there is little demonstration of sentiment, appreciation, sympathy, or encouragement. It is difficult for you to find the right words for such circumstances. Weaknesses in the health caused by this name centre in the head. -- posted by Walter at 7/22/2003